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if everything looks normal then they can't do anything to help me but why do

it if we're not gonna do anything about it I don't care how it ends I just want

it to end

good morning it's the day after MRI day I don't know if this happens to anybody

else after anesthesia but my head feels extra painful and my throat hurts I

wasn't I don't think I was intubated yesterday so I don't know why my throat

to hurt it just feels like every time I move my throat like swallow or something

but something is stabbing me in the throat and I'm extra tired but last

night after I closed out the vlog it's just mad

because if everything looks normal then they can't do anything to help me I just

want somebody to be able to help me it'd be really nice but apparently I don't

know so we're gonna we're supposed to see my

neurologist to do the EMG again but why do it if we're not gonna do anything

about it you know what I mean cuz last time they did the EMG my nerve reflexes

or something were slow but then he said that it was because I was cold and that

it in that I could have a small fiber neuropathy or something I think that's

what it was called I don't know that touch was over a year

ago and that we could do a biopsy and see but if we don't this treatment would

be the same anyway but we didn't do anything about it so yeah so I don't

really see the point in doing it but we're probably just gonna do it

anyways just because I don't know and then and by the way an EMG actually kind

of hurts they're sticking like these long I don't know how to describe how

long they are but they're like the length of an acupuncture needle but they

press it all the way in not just like the end of it in and then put an

electricity through it and watch on the screen like the waves I don't even know

how you can tell what any of that means because it all just looks fuzzy but that

will probably be happening it's Thursday happening the 21st so we come back from

Disneyland on the 20th and then we would have that done on the 21st and I have

the pill cam on next Tuesday which is the 6th or the fifth I think it's a six

not really sure but that means that I have to do the prep on the day before

that and then hope that this thing comes out of me without being removed

surgically so today I don't know what I'm gonna do but I do need to clean out

my car because we've been going to all these doctors appointments which means

that I just leave a bunch of trash and stuff in the car and things don't belong

in my car in my car so I should do that today because I don't know why I just

it's something that needs to happen oh it's right I have come out here to clean

out my car there isn't too much stuff in the trunk

well I do need to clean out wheelie as well but there's just some old grocery

less than the trunks that I know we're back there

oh but do you want see what I noticed this morning once I changed out of my

pajamas are you ready wait you can't see because I've been in front of the bright

did you see all the blue stuff on my arm apparently I didn't get the sticky step

off from the IV's yesterday where is the trash can out here Mullen who doesn't

keep a trash can in the garage usually we do but apparently we don't so I'll

just put it in my car trash can so we're gonna put me in fast mode of cleaning

maybe I don't think there's not much to clean out let's see put you up here

nothin you can't really even see what I'm doing what a struggle this is fast

truck okay really mostly stuff I need to clean out is in the back but I guess I'm

not gonna show me cleaning but maybe I'll show it's in here later

why is he nothing look look don't lick my foot I said look

oh I have like major bags in my eyes I think today because I'm really tired Oh

his breath speaks nothing your breath get a toothbrush man although you could

say same to me because I haven't brushed my teeth yet either so they didn't

really take me very long I think I was out there for maybe five minutes after I

stopped talking but the things you find in your car when you're me this is a

head CT of my sinuses and think that's the only weird thing that's in my car or

at least that I found in there but the rest of the stuff I feel like is just

normal car stuff maybe I don't know but I do need to put some epi pens back in

there well actually they need to go inside of wheelie but I

took them out and then I put them in purse but I think they were expired

anyways so good job me you know carry around old expired IV pens which means

they probably wouldn't work well I'm back in my room so we're pretty much

back where we started today and the fam like teryn and Taylor and Scott and my

parents but no one's not here are all out in the living room but I'm back in

here so what was like oh I was gonna like talk about what's been going on

today cuz I didn't I kind of just logged a little bit in the morning and I was

like peace out but today it's just been a hard day like emotionally and stuff

because I'm just so tired of all the pain and everything like I just can't

take it anymore oh my gosh no I I've cried for so long today like just no

don't cry more but it's been like I just oh I'm so tired of everything and I just

want something to work or something like I'm just I just want the pain to be over

I don't care how it ends I just want it to end and there's some other things

that I am NOT gonna talk about on the internet because they just aren't things

that should go on the internet but this morning I kinda

before I started even vlogging I just let myself lay there like flat on my

back and just kind of yeah we all know what happens when I lay like that so and

then I I'm just I just want something to work and I'm so tired of all the testing

and doing repeat tests and all the things that are happening that aren't

coming back or that don't help us like Spheeris in a path to what to do

like if we're gonna do a test if you can actually do something about what we're

gonna find then I don't mind doing it but if we're just gonna find that

nothing is wrong then I don't want to do it again so I am gonna do the test on

next Tuesday the PillCam and then it's still to be determined but I'm most

likely gonna go through with the UM EMG although last time I had an EMG done it

was a a little over a year ago and the tests came back that my nerve

like relay is slow but then the doctors during the test was like oh well you

were just cold so that's probably why and then he was like well we could do an

ER perhaps see to see if there's small fiber neuropathy but we the treatment

whether you have it or not it's still the same so that's what we'll do and we

never did anything about it so I don't even really know why we're gonna do that

but we are and I'm just like I just feel like really discouraged and frustrated

with all the testing and everything but who knows so when we see him cuz he's

also or the one who's gonna do the EMG is also a neurologist we're just gonna

take what we're gonna take a copy of the head MRI from this side of the head and

neck and we're gonna be like look at it this is what's happening inside my head

right now even though I'm pretty sure everything looks fine in there so that's

coming up like truthfully right now when this goes up it'll probably be will

either be at Disneyland or it'll be after if like if we even go cuz right

now I just that's probably a sign of like depression and stuff but I just

don't really feel like doing anything and so and even more than that like I

don't know I just like going over there so we go over there on the 17th we

coming back on the 20th and then we would go to

um EMG on the 21st and then Thanksgiving is the 22nd um that's a lot like I'm

gonna feel like I died after that and then a month later we go to Texas which

I'm really excited about that we're going I think on the 20th to Texas and

they're getting married on the 22nd and then we're coming back on the 24th I

think so the next few months are gonna be kind of busy or kind of really busy

but hopefully things are for like all this busyness is for the better which

for sure Texas is gonna be further better that's they're getting married in

50 days and like that's gonna be good because I love seeing my cousins

specially the ones that live so far away because they only get to see them like

less than once a year it usually and so we're gonna see them twice this year

because we saw them at Donner they weren't in the vlogs and probably won't

be in the vlog so we're gonna Texas either because I don't want to invade

their lives with my vlog so yeah well hopefully tomorrow I'm feeling more like

me and less like I don't know what is a good analogy to the way I've been

feeling today right now I'm just exhausted it's only like nine o'clock

and I feel like I'd go to bed like at any second but no jus to me today I feel

like when I forgot to take off my window clings from my window and they melt the

damn old things I feel like that's me where it's just like like hanging on but

then at the same time not so well anyway good night and I'll see you tomorrow

tomorrow Grammy and Grampy and Zeus might be going to Walnut Creek to see

Daniel play soccer and that would mean that I hang out with buddy bear so Hugh

if that happens I'm going to probably drive over to their house for when

they're leaving and be like bye and then drive buddy back here and then he'll

just be in the kitchen and I can edit videos in the kitchen or whatever so see

you later bye good night