[EXPLOSION]
[GROWLING]
So that's what you look like.
You ugly, horrible... go on!
Try your intellect on me!
I'll see you in hell first!
[GUNSHOT]
[SCREAMING]
No!
Stop!
Call off your troops.
Cease firing.
He acted like he knew him.
He did.
He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature,
and because of it, the greatest in the universe.
There is hope, but it has to come from man himself.
I have to go.
I'm gonna eat now.
Hold on just a second.
Hello, darling.
It's me again.
Yours truly, Elvira, the gal with the enormous, uh, ratings.
Well, that's our show.
I hope you enjoyed watching it as much as I did.
[GAGGING]
Oh, boy.
I mean, could you believe that cheesy looking monster?
Looked like Gumby on steroids.
Well, at least the movie had a moral.
Hey, does anybody know what that movie was about?
Uh, I'll tell you what it was about.
It was about an hour and a half too long.
Oh, and, uh, don't forget, next week, it's.
The Head With Two Things... I mean, The Thing With Two Heads.
And until then, this is Elvira, the gal who put the boob back
in the boob tube, saying unpleasant dreams.
Hey, put me down, will you?
Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
Yeah, wearing this in a public place might do it.
Ha!
Get it, girlfriend.
You got your news and counting.
Hey, Elvira.
Not now, Rudy.
Wait a sec, wait a sec.
See... see that guy over there?
What, the lard bucket in the 10 gallon hat?
Yes, that's the station's new owner.
From the edge of the sea to the end of the valley, you...
What?
Shut up!
This guy's [INAUDIBLE], OK?
Mr. Hooter, this is, uh, Elvira.
Name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn.
Maybe you can guess why.
Gee, I don't know.
Does it have anything to do with your breath?
Why don't we let this little filly get herself gussied up?
The sooner I get in the saddle, the better.
Well, sorry, partner, but it looks like it's gonna be you
and your trusty old right hand.
Sounds like you're looking to get
yourself fired, little lady.
Go ahead and fire me.
I need this job like a leper needs a three way mirror.
It just so happens I have an act opening up in Las Vegas.
Well, terrific.
You can try your act out on me.
It's milkin' time!
[SCREAMS]
That's it!
I'm walking!
I don't have to take this from anybody.
And as for you, you cretinous cowpoke...
Whoa, whoa, she's got Hooter!
Somebody on the floor get her out of there!
Within so much as 10 feet of me,
and I'm gonna tie your weenie in a granny knot!
You said she was a nympho!
Come on, will you?
Not the ball game!
[CRYING]
You can't quit!
What's the big deal?
Soon as my show opens in Las Vegas,
I'll never have to host one of those crap-o horror movies
again.
There's no problem with the show, is there?
Problem? [NERVOUS LAUGHTER] Complications, maybe,
but never a problem.
All right, out with it, Manny.
OK, the Flamingo won't... it won't go ahead with the show
unless you come up with some money to help finance it.
Well, how much do they want?
$50,000.
$50,000?
Are you nuts?
Where am I going to come up with that kind of money?
Maybe it's not too late to get your job back.
Forget it, Manny.
I'm never working for that sleazeball again.
I'll just have to find another sleazeball.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, telegram for Miss Elvira.
I'll take it.
Dear Elvira, as executor of the estate of your great aunt Miss.
Morgana Talbot, I'm sorry to inform
you of her untimely passing.
Whoa, I didn't even know I had a good aunt,
much less a great one.
Let me see that.
It says here all I have to do is come to Fallwell, Massachusetts
for the reading of the will and I'll pick up my inheritance!
Is that timing, or what?
[BLOWING NOSE]
And lastly, to my enchanting niece, Elvira,
who has unflinchingly withstood the slings and arrows
of an imperfect world without so much as a whimper or complaint,
I bequeath my entire fortune.
[SOBBING]
Let's show Elvira exactly what she's inherited!
[BELLS]
Elvira, you are going to start with something that dreams are
made of... a beautiful new sailboat!
You're going to sail away in a sporty Sunchaser II from Stark!
And that's not all.
When you're tired of sailing, you'll
drive home in this brand new Jeep Wrangler!
I needed one of those! [SQUEALING]
And you'll sit down to dinner at this beautiful 10-piece
dining room suite from American Heritage!
[SQUEALING]
And on top... on top of all of that, money!
Lots and lots of money!
Elvira.
Elvira, are you all right?
Go ahead and call the Flamingo, Manny.
Tell them I'll have the $50,000 as soon
as I get back from Massachusetts.
Las Vegas, here I come.
[MUSIC - LORI CHACKO, "ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY"]
Hop in, sailor.
[LAUGHING]
Here, you forgot your axe.
[SCREAM]
[HOWLING]
[SIRENS]
You know you were doing 50 in a 25 mile per hour zone?
Um, no.
But if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it. [LAUGHING]
I gotta get a new joke.
This one's costing me a fortune.
[FART]
Hey, how about some gas?
Fuck this.
You know, those things will kill you.
Have a nice day.
[EXPLOSION]
[HONKING]
I can make darn sure he doesn't get it.
I have my ways, you know.
Well!
Oh!
Well, I never.
Yeah, and you never will with them soup cans on your head.
Listen, young lady, I don't know who you are
or where you came from, but you most
certainly don't fit in this town.
Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Listen, sister, if I want your opinion,
I'll beat it out of you.
Oh!
Anita!
It's the Antichrist, I tell you, the Antichrist!
Can someone tell me where there's a garage around here?
Yeah, yeah.
There's one right up the street.
Oh.
Well, uh, would one of you big, strong men
mind giving me a little push?
Easy, easy.
Don't scratch the paint.
She's incredible.
Man, what I wouldn't do for just
one peek at those gazongas.
They're unreal.
Oh, great.
That means I'm stuck in this hellhole.
I mean, this quaint little hellhole.
Uh, listen, is there a motel or something around here?
Well, there's the Cozy Cot down by the Widow.
Bishop's feed store.
Course, her son sort of took that
over after she had that spell of gingivitis.
Her whole mouth swole up.
Looked like she ate a box of staples.
Folks were saying she got it from kissing
that old dog of hers.
Nice tits.
[HOWLING]
Yoo-hoo!
[BELL RINGING]
Can I get a room?
Sorry, we're booked solid.
So how come it says vacancy out there?
Look, we do have a room.
Remember the trucker with the bad skin
that checked out this morning?
Ew.
I hope you changed the sheets.
Hi.
Is that makeup I see on your face, young lady?
No, ma'am.
I mean, yes, ma'am.
Well, just a little.
How many times have I told you, you're
too young to wear makeup!
Now, mother, I don't think...
Shut up, Wesley!
But grandma, all the other girls at school
are wearing makeup!
And if all the other girls at school jumped off a cliff,
would you jump off a cliff?
All right!
And you don't have the sense that you were born with.
You have... [BELL RINGING]
I hate to interrupt this little episode of The Waltons,
but can I get a room?
OK, but it's cash up front.
I know what you pinko heavy metal
weirdos do to motel rooms.
Read all about in The Star.
I'll, uh, show the lady to her room.
Oh no you don't.
Hey, don't let them get you down.
I used to get the same line about makeup
from the nuns at the orphanage.
Course, I was only eight.
Uh, I'm Elvira.
I'm Robin.
So, um, Robin, what's there to do for fun around here, anyway?
This town isn't real big on fun.
Mm.
Well, there is one place that's open.
The bowling alley.
That gets real wild on league night.
Gee, I think I can handle it.
Oh, I am so sure.
They must think we're really stupid.
They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium?
He's got radioactive blood.
Yeah?
Let me see that.
Hey, man, what'd you do that for?
Shut up.
Look at what just walked in.
Um, bloody Mary.
No hard liquor served 8:00.
Do you want a virgin?
Maybe, but I'll have a couple of drinks first.
Hey, baby.
I got something to show you.
Sorry.
Left my magnifying glass at home.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Billy, that is no way to talk to a lady.
So, how about a blowjob?
[LAUGHING]
I bet you think that was pretty funny, don't you?
I enjoyed it.
Yeah?
Well, you're gonna enjoy this even more.
I cut you, man!
She stabbed me!
Faked you out.
Yeah?
Well, this ain't fake, baby!
So stand still, because I'm gonna...
Oof!
Uh, my name's Elvira, but you can call me tonight.
I'm Bob.
Bob Redding.
Pleased to meet you.
Look at this mess!
Who the heck is gonna pay for it?
It's all right, Patty.
I'll take care of the damages.
Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
Cheap?
Who are you calling cheap?
What's that perfume you're wearing?
Catch of the day?
Look, honey, I don't know which hole you crawled out of,
but I suggest you crawl right back
in if you know what's good for you.
Yeah, yeah.
You better watch out.
You could put some of these eyes out with them things.
We better go.
It looks like you've got some competition, Patty.
Charlie, trash does not compete with class.
Right down the street, at the Cozy Cot.
Oh.
So what brought you to Fallwell?
Uh, my car.
[LAUGHING]
Uh, no, really, I'm here for the reading of my great aunt.
Morgana's will.
Morgana Talbot?
She's your aunt?
Yeah, it came as a surprise to me, too.
I never really knew her, but I sure admired her spunk.
She never caved in the way everybody else in this town
has.
Well, I don't want to bore you with local politics.
Go ahead.
Bore me.
OK.
We've got this town council that lives in mortal
fear that somewhere, somehow, somebody in Fallwell
is having a good time.
Oh.
Bunch of real preservatives, huh?
I run the movie house.
Oh, really?
I'm in movies, too.
Have you ever shown, uh, um, "I Married Satan"?
No.
How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
No.
Uh, hm.
I, uh... I can only play G rated movies.
Oh.
Well, I mean, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies,
as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
Um, hey, listen, Bob, I'm only going
to be in town for a couple of days,
and I can't think of anyone who I'd
rather squeeze into my agenda.
Gee, that'd be swell.
[CAR DOOR SLAMMING]
[CAR STARTING]
Oh, Mr. Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me.
She was a mother to me, too, dear.
Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display
of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mr. Bigelow.
Well, it was Mrs. Talbot's wish to have all of her relatives
present for the reading of the will.
All of her relatives are present.
Me, myself, and I.
[LAUGHING] Uh, well, apparently Mrs.
Talbot has a grand niece Elvira, who
is also one of the beneficiaries.
That's impossible.
Uh, well...
Who is this grand niece?
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
But then, so's my aunt.
Hey, what did she die of?
Nothing serious, I hope.
Say, nice jacket.
Who shot the couch?
Uh...
Hey, is there a bathroom around here?
I'm telling you, that toilet over at the Cozy Cot
looks like somebody's science project.
Who is this woman?
This must be Mrs. Talbot's grand niece.
Oh, Elvira, this is your great aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot.
She was my aunt, and you're her brother,
then you must be my Uncle Vinny!
Get this woman off of me!
Oh, and you must be Auntie Em and Uncle Remus!
Oh, there's no place like home!
The There's no place like home!
Hurry up, Bigelow.
Let's get on with it.
Yeah, really.
Let's get going before somebody else dies.
Uh, this is the certified and only last will and testament
of the deceased Morgana Talbot.
To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morrissey,
for years of loyalty and devotion,
I leave my silver tea service and a cash allotment of $5,000.
[SOBBING]
Hey, babe, what are you whining about?
You made out like a bandit.
To Mr. Morrissey, my driver, I leave
my automobile and an allotment of $5,000.
Wow, dude, $10,000 just for the help?
That old gal must have really been loaded!
Oh, I mean, dear, sweet Aunt Morgana certainly was generous.
Oh, what's it say about me?
What did I get?
To my grand niece Elvira.
Come on, lay it on me, Aunt Morgana.
Big bucks, big bucks!
Uh, uh, uh, uh, I bequeath my house, my beloved poodle,
Algonquin, and my precious book of recipes.
That's it?
A house, a dog, and a book?
Please, if you will allow me to finish.
And finally, to my dear brother Vincent,
I leave the rest of my estate and holdings,
of which there is none.
[GROWL]
Where's the cash?
Where's the furniture?
Where's Bob Eubanks?
He wasn't mentioned.
I don't get it, man.
Uh, boss.
What's so important about a dumb recipe book?
That dumb recipe book contains more power
than your feeble little minds can ever imagine,
and it rightfully belongs to me.
I must have that book!
Great. Just what I need.
A house.
I need a house in Fallwell like I need a padded bra.
I can't live here!
I'll go crazy, I tell you!
Crazy!
[HONKING]
May I offer you a ride?
Buzz off, creep.
I'm not in the mood.
Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinny.
Yes.
Uncle Vinny.
I must apologize for my behavior in the office.
It's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
It's OK.
My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
Yes.
Well, as you may have surmised, my sister and I... well,
let's just say we had our differences.
Yeah, I guess.
You really got shafted.
Uh, look.
I'll tell you what, Uncle Vinny.
Um, I'll share my inheritance with you.
You can have the dog.
No!
Thank you.
But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book.
You know, for sentimental reasons.
I'd be willing to pay you.
Say, oh, $50.
Hey, sure.
I'll do it for $50.
Oh!
Vinny, you got yourself a cookbook.
That lawyer guy's taking me over to the house, though.
You can pick it up there later.
Fine.
I'll see you there.
Oh, uh, don't forget to bring the cash.
Drive!
(SINGING) If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
98... oh, we're here.
Hey, this place ain't half bad.
Bet you could get a bundle for it.
Yes, you could.
But your house is over there.
Oh, Mr. Talbot, I just wanted to thank you
for that generous donation you made to the Morality Club.
You're quite welcome.
You know, as I always say, morals aren't cheap.
And speaking of cheap, uh, a little birdie
told me that that Elvira woman is related to you.
Now, not that it's any of my business, but then, of course,
everything is.
Believe me, I'm as anxious to get rid of her as you are.
Oh, good.
You know, because someone like that
comes to town, the next thing you know,
they're teaching sex education in the schools
and they're passing out condoms to kindergartners.
You remember when those swarthy fellows...
She won't be with us very long.
Oh.
Um, uh, why, uh... well, I know I'm needed somewhere.
Bye bye, now.
Careful.
Some of the boards are loose.
What a dump.
Like I said, the house needs a little something.
Yeah, like a wrecking ball.
[BARKING]
I think Algonquin likes you.
Here, doggy.
Go on.
Go chase this into the street.
I can't stand little dogs.
Boy, if my aunt wasn't dead, I'd kill her.
Sorry, Aunt Morgana.
Just kidding.
Here's the rest of your inheritance.
Your great aunt's recipe book.
Oh, yeah.
Some inheritance.
Well, at least I'm getting $50 for it.
Say, how much you think I could get for this place?
Well, even though the house is in disrepair,
it is in a prime location.
I'd venture to say you could get, um, $70,000.
$70,000?
Maybe more if it were fixed up.
Would you be interested in selling?
Does a chicken have a pecker?
Of course I'm interested!
Now, what am I gonna do with you?
That's more like it, Algonquin.
Algonquin.
What a sissy name.
Let's see, what do I call you?
I know, Gonk.
How do you like that?
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
[KNOCKING]
Yeah, hold your horses.
[KNOCKING]
Hi, Uncle Vinny.
You're here for the book, right?
Come on in.
Oh, can I make you a cup of tea or something?
I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.
Mm, good point.
I can't stay very long anyway.
Say, you wouldn't want to buy a house, would you?
I'm afraid not.
I'll sell it to you really cheap.
Uh, no thank you.
Vinny, they don't make houses like this anymore.
I mean, look at the detailing.
Look... look at the craftsmanship.
What would you pay for a house like this?
Don't answer, because you not only get a house.
If you act right now, you also get
all this beautiful furniture!
Now what would you pay?
I'm telling you, it's a jewel box.
A gem.
A love hutch for two.
I'd bend over backwards to make you a deal.
I'll bend over forwards.
Why, I'd stand on my head and eat a bug.
I... No!
Just the book.
OK.
I mean, if you're gonna get crabby about it.
[CREAK]
That's weird.
I would've sworn the book was just on that table.
You promised me that book.
Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch.
It didn't just walk away.
I'm sure it'll turn up.
Yes!
Of course it will.
Forgive me.
[BARKING]
[GROWLING]
He thinks he's a pit bull.
[GROWLING]
[LIGHTNING]
Good thing I'm not gonna be here very long.
The neighbors would never get any sleep.
About time, doofus.
Did you bring the camera?
Do I look like an idiot?
Do you really want me to answer that?
Shut up, you guys.
She's gonna hear us.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's
the most drop dead gorgeous one of all?
Oh, you're just saying that.
[THUNDER]
What do you see?
In a minute, in a minute!
Ow, my fingers!
Guys, I can't see a thing!
In a minute!
Whoa.
Hey, don't drop me!
Ow!
What do you see?
Awesome!
I gotcha.
[SCREAMING]
Haven't you boys got someplace else to hang around?
I heard you might need a little help fixing up the place.
That's very thoughtful, but why don't you
come back when the light's better?
Good night.
[SCREAMING]
You blew it!
Did you see those gazongas?
I saw them.
I got it!
All right!
Yeah!
[THUNDER]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Elvira.
Elvira.
Elvira.
Elvira.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, out, out, out!
Out!
[THUNDER]
Hi, Elvira.
Hi.
Oh, h you're here.
Richie's folks run the hardware store.
And we got lots of paint.
Oh, do you?
Too bad they don't own the bank.
Uh, I'll be right down.
Let's do it.
[MUSIC - THE ISLEY BROTHERS, "SHOUT"]
Hey, Elvira!
We got us a couple more volunteers.
Great!
Just grab a tool and start banging.
Hi, Elvira.
Hi, Robin.
Come on in.
Randy, can you hand me that rag?
Randy!
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Young lady!
Robin Meeker, what in tarnation are you doing here?
You're gonna pay dearly!
Robin!
I'm going to find out about this, young lady!
Robin!
Come over here!
When are you going to learn to do what you're told?
You're going to learn to do what you're told.
Lemonade!
It's fabulous!
[CHEERING]
I tell you, I nearly died.
There she was, parading around in clothes that couldn't
keep a titmouse dry in a drizzle.
I mean, it was next to nothing.
I'd say it was next to plenty.
And she had half the teenagers in town
writhing around to that jungle music.
And this morning, on my regular tour of the boys' lavatory,
I confiscated this.
I'll be making the announcement this afternoon.
Henceforth, all students will be subject to immediate expulsion
if they are found in the company of that floozy!
Please.
I don't think we need to resort to name calling.
I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is
a person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one
woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will.
A slimy, slithering succubus!
A concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore!
She'll be nothing but a bad dream
just as soon as she sells that property.
An open house has already been planned for tomorrow.
What... what if she decides not to sell?
What if she decides to settle here?
Well, if she's morally unfit, then we
have every right to do anything we
can to get her out of this town.
Are we agreed?
Absolutely.
Hear, hear.
Maybe we're not being entirely objective about this!
Shut up, Leslie!
Then it's unanimous.
Carol [INAUDIBLE], Fallwell Real Estate.
Boy, I sure hope you've got a buyer.
I haven't had so much as a lookie loo.
Don't worry.
I have some wealthy investor friends
that would buy this house in a minute.
That is, if you play your cards right.
Oh, honey, I'd do anything to get rid of this rat trap.
That's what I like.
A motivated seller.
It's all a matter of technique.
For starters, let's try and set the proper mood.
Oh, good idea.
I mean, the less they see, the better.
It's usually a matter of getting close to the buyer.
Tell them all about the potential appreciation,
and guide him through every nook and cranny.
Slowly unveil everything from the balcony
to the basement, one area at a time.
Then, when he's so enthralled he's ready to burst,
you clinch the deal!
Ow!
You'll be sorry!
You'll never sell this place without me!
Just because this house is up for grabs doesn't mean I am!
[BARKING]
Get this dog off me!
Get back!
Get out of here!
[PHONE RINGING]
Calm down, Manny, she says!
I've got the Flamingo breathing down my neck to cough up
the dough to hold that showroom, and you're
telling me to calm down?
I told you, I'll come up with the money!
Heck, I was just six inches from selling this house today.
Look, kid, you better get that money here pronto,
or you're through, you hear me?
The only m room you'll see in Vegas will have Toyotas in it!
And now I understand she is out looking for a job?
[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]
There she is.
Mm.
Let's go.
[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]
There's no book upstairs, but I found these panties.
Try one.
They're edible.
Mm!
Mmph!
Now keep looking.
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
Excuses, excuses.
We turned the place inside out.
Yeah.
And tell him about the dog.
Well, it must have been the size of a water buffalo.
Quiet!
Now listen to me very carefully.
I want you to go to the courthouse
and remove all the records of the town ordinances
and bring them back to me.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
Then get out!
[TALKING IN FAST FORWARD]
Oh.
[HONKING]
Ow!
Oh my gosh, Elvira!
I'm sorry!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so.
How's your head?
I haven't had any complaints yet.
Excuse me?
Uh, I think I'll live.
Believe me, it's not the worst thing
that's happened to me today.
I've been to every place in this town,
and no one will give me a job.
It's... it's like it's a conspiracy or something.
You know what your problem is?
Chastity Pariah.
Ooh, I thought that cleared up.
No, Chastity Pariah.
She's the old biddy.
She's got the whole town turned against you.
Oh, swell.
So now no one'll hire me, and I'm flat busted!
No, I mean I'm broke.
I'd hire you if I could, but I'm barely making enough money
to stay in business as it is.
Duh.
Not surprised.
I mean, who wants to pay to see some quack making duck calls?
And besides that, Bob, you got an extra E in matinee.
No I don't.
That's how you spell it.
Uh, Bob, I'm in show business.
I think I know how to spell matinee.
Oh!
[SWOON]
[SCREAM]
Oh, Bob, how can I ever repay you?
Here, let me try.
You witch!
I guess I better get back to work.
The matinee's going to start soon.
Oh, yeah, I can see the crowds lining up now.
Bobby, baby, you are going to go broke
showing turkeys like these.
You got a better idea?
It just so happens that I have some of the classic films
of all time in the trunk of my car.
As a matter of fact...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all
its light, will then be ruler of the night, master of the dark.
The lunar eclipse, Morgana, is less than a week away.
When the moon is drained of all its light.
There's nothing you can do!
You're dead, and I'm not!
[CACKLING]
Oh, there you are.
I have been looking all over for you guys.
You are not going to believe the good news.
Yours truly is hosting a special midnight screening
at Bob's Theater of one of the worst movies ever made.
I mean, it is bad.
You know, like bad as in bad.
Like, I'm bad, Jamal, you know it.
Hey, what is this?
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
Two days ago, we were bosom buddies.
It's the principal.
You're darn right, it's a principle.
Friends oughta stick together.
No.
I mean the principal, Mr. Cobb.
He'd kill us if we went to your show.
Not to mention our parents.
Kill your parents, too?
No.
Our parents would never let us stay out that late.
Oh.
I see.
Well, the last thing I want to do
is get you guys in any trouble.
I mean, so what if it blows my only chance at making a living?
That's not your problem.
And if I get so depressed I wind up
hanging myself in the oven, hey!
Those are the breaks.
And if they ever ask about me, tell them
I was more than just a great set of boobs.
I was also an incredible pair of legs.
And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend.
That I never turned down a stranger, for that matter.
And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done,
I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
Any two, as long as they're simple.
[CRYING]
We all decide to help Elvira, what can Cobb do?
He can expel us all.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be there.
Me too.
Count on me.
We're sorry, Elvira.
We'll all come to your show.
Great!
12:00 sharp.
Be there or be square.
All right, 12:30, my old man's out watching [INAUDIBLE].
[WHISPERING]
[GRUNTING]
Oof!
[RIP]
Oh, that looks great!
You really like it?
Yeah!
Elvira, where do you want this?
Just right up there.
OK.
What's the bucket for?
I tell you, oh, it's so cool!
This is the part that I ripped off... uh, I mean,
that was inspired by Flashdance.
I reach up, I pull this rope, and my entire body
is covered in gold glitter!
Could you die?
Oh, all right.
Oh, God, I'm telling you, that's
a guaranteed standing ovulation.
You're late.
Where t guy gets pureed!
Don't worry.
They're Italian.
They'll wind up making a great marinara sauce.
Ronnie?
Is that you?
Man.
Oh, this is where the heroine gets grabbed by the tomatoes!
I can't look!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, boy, this ending's so bad the tomatoes ought
to start throwing rotten people at the screen.
[APPLAUSE]
OK, don't anybody move, because the best is yet to come.
Ladies and dobermans, it's time for the grand finale!
[MUSIC - MICHAEL SEMBELLO, "SHE'S A MANIAC"]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[SPUTTERING]
[CACKLING]
Patty!
Ugh!
I have never been so humiliated in my entire life!
Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty.
I'm going to rip every single bleach blonde hair out
of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs,
and use her head for a bowling ball!
I'm telling you, they are not gonna get away with it!
That barf bag Chastity blacklisting me out of a job,
and that sleazeoid of a high school principal
turning all the kids against me!
And that bench sniffing real estate letch,
trying to get his commission in the sack!
I'll get even with every one of them
if it's the last thing I do!
What's that perfume you're wearing?
Super unleaded.
Don't smoke.
Well, here's to my big opening.
I mean... oh, forget it.
[GASP]
Uh, don't you kids think it's past your bedtime?
Oh, heck no.
I'm not tired... ouch!
It is getting awfully late.
Yeah.
We'd better be going.
Yep, well, see you dudes tomorrow.
Ow!
There's the darn recipe book.
How'd it get under there?
[WHINING]
Oh, that reminds me, I'm starving.
Mm, me too.
Uh, let's go get something to eat.
There's an all night truck stop out on the interstate.
No no no no no no no, Bob.
I've got a better idea.
Why don't you set the table while I
see what I can whip up in the kitchen?
My aunt sure had lousy penmanship.
I can't read a word of this stuff.
Looks like it was written in some kind
of foreign language or something.
Hey, wait, look at this.
Adraka Kozerol.
Kozerol.
Oh, casserole!
Hm, that sounds good.
OK, let's see.
What does it say here?
One edreziba.
Huh.
Wonder where she keeps the edreziba around here.
Whoa, this is some spice rack.
Tramazul.
Columbra, corderox.
Ah, here it is.
Edreziba.
One edreziba.
OK, one half of a lemgra.
Ugh, looks like the lemgra went bad.
I don't know, it says it's good until June of next year.
What the heck?
I got a cast iron stomach.
OK then, let's see.
Two to three golitra.
Golitra.
Uh, let's see.
One corderox.
Mm.
Doesn't smell too bad.
But it looks like caca doo doo.
There.
That's much better.
It's soup!
Mm, smells great.
What is it?
Oh, it's just a little something I conjured up.
Oh.
Allow me.
Thank you ever so much.
Well, I hope you're hungry, 'cause here's dinner.
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
[ROARING]
The switch, Bob, the switch!
[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
First time I was ever an appetizer for the main course.
Where'd you learn how to cook?
I didn't.
I just followed the directions in my aunt's... Gonk,
what are you doing?
Give me that cookbook!
Gonk!
Gonk, you get back here right now,
or you are grounded for one week!
Gonk!
Gonk, come here.
[GASP]
Deja vu.
Wow.
Gonk?
Gonk, are you in here?
[BARK]
Gonk, you are a very bad, bad dog.
Oh, yuck, you slobbered all over it.
[BARKING]
Now what do you want?
[GROWLING]
I think he wants you to open the trunk.
Well, why didn't you just say so?
Wow, look at all this cool junk!
This could be you, Gonk.
[GROWLING]
Ew.
I think I used to go out with this guy.
Take a look at this.
Think it's for me?
Go ahead.
Open it.
Mm, you open it.
Dearest Elvira, for all these years,
I protected you from the truth.
But the time has now come when your only protection
is the truth.
Say what?
Let me see this.
Your mother, Devana, was an extraordinary woman.
She was the true mistress of the dark.
But her power did not go unchallenged.
MORGANA: For 300 years, your Great.
Uncle Vincent coveted her dominion.
You 300?
God, I hope I look that good when I'm that old.
MORGANA: He would have destroyed you as he did her,
had I not sent you away.
I left you with all the power you would need to protect
yourself, and entrusted you to my loyal familiar.
What's that about a familiar?
Bob, haven't you ever seen any old Roger Corman movies?
Every witch has one.
They're like a... Like a pet that can
change into almost anything.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Um, but it wasn't you alone that I sought to protect.
It was the book.
It contained your mother's magic.
MORGANA: Our enemy is a formidable one.
Protect the book, Elvira, and above all,
keep it from Vincent when the moon
falls under the Earth's shadow.
Remember, you carry the power with you.
Your loving aunt, Morgana.
Too macabre.
I mean, like, I knew I was different,
but I didn't think I was quite that different.
No wonder Vinnie had such a spaz attack
when I couldn't find the book!
Yeah, and you heard what your aunt said.
He can't get his hands on it!
No way he's getting it now.
And here I am knocking myself out
to make a living as a horror hostess when I'm actually
descended from, like, a major metaphysical celebrity!
All I have to do is just find the right spell,
and I can make the money I need for Vegas!
I mean really make the money.
I don't think you should go fooling with that book again.
Look, look, Bob, here it is!
Selsba Riki Moola!
That's exactly what I need!
Lots of moolah!
OK, OK.
Selsba Riki Moola Sheen.
Hey, Elvira, I... I don't think that...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
It's... it's working, Bob!
It's working!
Bob, are you still here?
Right here.
What is this?
[GASP] Oh, why Bob.
You know, Bob, I may be wrong, but I
think that might have been a love spell.
Really?
Oh, Bob.
Bob! [MOANING]
[SCREAMING]
Hold me, Bob.
Hold me.
[BAND PLAYING]
Oh, Chastity, the picnic's a great success.
Yes, I think it's something we can all be proud of me for.
[APPLAUSE]
Come and get it!
Oh, now, you children, you're acting like wild animals!
Get to the end of the line, now.
It all looks so good.
I can't remember when I've been this hungry.
Oh, Melody, I see you've made your famous Tic-Tac pie.
Oh!
Bob, what are you doing?
You scared the hell out of me.
What's going on?
Let's just say I'm settling the score.
Oh, no.
Well, it is a potluck.
And believe me, when they open that pot,
they're going to need all the luck they can get.
Oh, I don't believe I've had any of this.
Revenge is better than Christmas.
I don't get it.
What happened?
Looks like some sort of casserole.
Mm.
Mm!
This is marvelous.
I must get this recipe.
Oh, shoot!
Must have screwed it up when I substituted
the falengra with some Hamburger Helper.
Oh, yes.
Thank you for my drink.
There.
Ah, oh.
Mm!
Mmm.
[LAUGHING] I feel a little odd.
Suddenly it's very warm.
[MUSIC - NINA SIMONE, "I PUT A SPELL ON YOU"]
Remind you of anything?
Remind you of anything?
Give me that!
It's mine!
Oh boy, am I a horndog.
Excuse me.
Is this face taken?
[GASP]
[LAUGHING]
Come on, stud.
Let's boogie!
Hey, Leslie, let's mambo.
That's an interesting dish.
Where did you learn how to make it?
Oh, it's just an old family recipe.
All right.
I'll give you $500 for the book.
What, do I look like I just fell off the tuna truck?
The deal's off, uncle!
You think you're pretty clever, don't you?
Well, mark my words, I'll get you, and your little dog, too!
Help.
No!
Oh, you again.
Do you always wear the same dress?
No, sometimes I like to wear something low cut and sexy.
Well, I guess in your business, it pays to advertise.
Come here, Bob.
Let me show you how a real woman does it.
Excuse me.
[LAUGHING]
You all saw it!
He attacked me in broad daylight,
and he had his way with me!
Me?
I barely got away with my life!
You could have worn out a mechanical bull!
Ooh, you're not going to get away with this,
you sex addled maniac!
I demand that the council remove this pervert!
I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me!
Calvin was the one who was painting
everybody with apple butter!
I was just an innocent onlicker.
Silence!
Don't you see?
You're playing right into her hands.
It's Elvira who is responsible for all this.
Of course.
I should have known it was that little harlot.
We ought to ride her out of town on a big fat rail.
She might enjoy that too much.
There is a much more satisfactory solution.
We can have her arrested.
Arrested?
On what charges?
It so happens that there is a law on the books that
dates back to the Salem trials.
It specifically forbids, and I quote, "any towns person"
from practicing the ancient arts of spell casting,
"demonology, alchemy, and conjuration."
The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.
Let me out of here!
Pipe down in there!
Hey, I've seen The People's Court.
I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search!
Well, there's a pay phone right across the street.
What's the matter?
You forget where you put your broom?
Listen, fatso, if I had a broom,
I know exactly where I'd put it.
Oh, this is swell.
I can just hear Manny now.
Hello, Vegas?
We got a slight crimp in the plans for the show.
Yeah, the star was burned at the stake.
Elvira!
Great news!
I got you the best lawyer in the county.
He'll be here first thing in the morning.
Bob, in the morning?
First thing in the morning, I'll be able to fit in an ashtray!
You've gotta get me out of here!
But how?
The book!
It's my only chance.
Quick, run to the house and get it!
OK.
Oh, but Bob, wait!
What?
I hid it under the floorboard in the living room.
OK.
Oh, Woo Bob!
What?
Hurry!
Stay low!
Keep down low!
Now.
[WHIMPERING]
What are you whining about?
I'm the one getting barbecued.
[BARK]
[GROWLING]
Oh.
Sorry.
At last, it's mine.
The power is mine!
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
Gonk, don't have a conniption fit.
[BARKING]
Whoa.
Must've took too much antacid in the '60s.
Two, four, six, eight, who do we incinerate?
Elvira!
Thank goodness, padre!
I am here to save you, my child.
At last, someone to talk some sense into these people.
God, save this wretched creature's soul,
even though her creamy white flesh will burn and sizzle.
Well, isn't that convenient?
Thanks for trying, you guys.
Elvira!
Gonk?
Is that you, boy?
[GROWLING]
[BARKING]
Good work, Gonk.
Burn the witch!
Do you smoke?
I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Burn the witch!
[INAUDIBLE]!
Oh no, you're not gonna believe this.
I left my oven on.
I'll just be a minute.
Burn the witch!
Any last words?
Just one.
Help!
Burn the witch!
Hold it!
Hold it down!
Quiet, quiet there!
And now, by the power vested in me by the sovereign state
of Massachusetts, I do hereby pronounce
sentence on Elvira the prisoner!
Death by fire!
Hold it, Sheriff.
What you're doing is wrong.
Patty?
It'll catch faster if you light it in several places.
Patty, no!
We ought to have one of these every year.
Burn in hell, witch!
Patty!
Burn the witch!
Burn her!
Bye, kids.
It's been swell.
Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.
Let me through!
Elvira!
Bob!
Hi, Bob.
Patty!
You're not a very nice person.
Burn the witch!
[INAUDIBLE].
[BARKING]
Gonk?
MORGANA (VOICEOVER): Remember, you carry the power with you.
The ring!
[BARKING]
[THUNDER]
Are you all right?
Look.
The lunar eclipse.
Remember?
Your aunt's letter.
When the moon falls under the Earth's shadow.
Yeah, so?
Vincent's got the book!
[THUNDER]
Elvira!
Elvira!
Gonk!
Where's Gonk?
[BARKING]
Oh, you tricky little devil.
Oh!
Vincent!
Remember us?
We're on your side.
Swine.
Stay back.
Sic 'em, Gonk!
[GROWLING]
[WHIMPERING]
Don't make me use this!
[LAUGHING]
The amulet could not protect your mother,
and it won't save you.
Kaldozar Ipsulay!
Huh.
So you want to play rough eh?
Well, take this!
Huh?
What?
You cannot escape me, daughter of Devana.
I shall destroy you as I did her.
[GUN COCKING]
You looking for me?
[GUNSHOT]
Did you think you could stop me with your toys?
No, but I figured it would be worth a shot.
Look!
[LAUGHING]
Kozar Kara Ocktar!
Sure, that's easy for you to say.
[SCREAMING]
[ROARING]
[GROWLING]
That hurt!
Now, baby.
Hey.
We have a little unfinished business.
Yeah, well, uh, I think we can do business.
Uh, yeah, sure, I can dig it.
Uh, I'm cool, bro.
Know what it is, where it's at.
I'll show you where it's at.
[SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
[SCREAMING]
[CHOKING]
I am master of the dark!
I'll see you in hell first!
[HISSING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAM]
[SCREAMING]
And now, Elvira, you die!
[SCREAMING]
MORGANA (VOICEOVER): Remember, you carry the power with you.
[WHINING]
So what did the insurance guys say?
My policy doesn't cover acts of demons.
Well, at least you've still got the ring.
Yeah, but the only thing I can get it to do anymore
is look cheap.
Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.
I know you had your heart set on playing Las Vegas.
I'm just not the kind of girl whose dreams come true.
I do better on nightmares.
I wish there was something I could do.
Yeah, don't worry about me, Bob.
I'm like fake fruit.
I don't bruise that easy.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the lynch mob.
Hey, take it easy, take it easy, I'm leaving.
We don't want you to go.
No, no.
This is our way of saying we were wrong about you,
and we're sorry.
Elvira, you're the best thing that
ever happened to this town.
You touched a part of my son that... that nobody's
ever touched before.
I wish.
As long as you're in Fallwell, you'll
always have a free room at the Cozy Cot.
Aww.
Wait just a minute, Leslie!
Shut up, you old bag!
[HONKING]
Well, I finally got it running.
Great!
At least now I'll have a place to live.
But I still don't know how I'm gonna pay you for it.
Don't worry.
We'll work out something.
Elvira.
I'm, uh, sorry that I set you on fire and everything.
And, uh, I hope there are no hard feelings.
Don't worry.
She's bigger than that.
Yeah.
A lot bigger.
[LAUGHTER]
Elvira, I've got some important papers
that you're gonna have to sign.
With your uncle gone, you're the only heir to his estate.
I am?
Not an inconsiderable one, at that.
Las Vegas!
Elvira, that's fantastic!
Las Vegas!
Ladies and gentlemen, the Flaming Hotel
is proud to present the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira!
(SINGING) I've always dreamed of doing this,
and now I've got my chance.
So excuse me while I indulge myself in a little song
and dance.
Well, if you're looking for trouble, here I am.
And if you wanna see double, here I am.
I don't do what the good girls do.
Bad dreams really do come true.
Here I am.
I'm the bitch in black, so you better stand back.
You might get motion sickness or a heart attack.
I can really rap up with the swelling in your pocket,
make your eyeballs drop right out of their socket.
I'm rough, I'm tough, I'm woman enough.
Get ready.
I'm gonna do my stuff.
I can take it, I can shake it.
I can cook it, I can bake it.
If I don't have the recipe, I'll fake it.
I'm a volcano that's ready to blow.
Look out, y'all, 'cause here I go!
[BARKING]
For me?
Unpleasant dreams.
[HOWLING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
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