If you grew up on Mary-Kate and Ashley movies, you probably shed a tear whenever you come
across a dusty VHS of Billboard Dad.
You look at the twins' pure, near-identical (they're fraternal, kids, your entire life
is a lie) faces and "The Way We Were" plays in your head.
MK & A will eternally be '90s icons and modern day fashion queens, but these days they're
looking a little bit...haggard.
And not just because they constantly look like they're drowning in their couture, but
because they look so much different than the little tykes sing-songing "I Am the Cute One."
It's a real Sophie's Choice about who's the cute one now, because these days they're looking
like the witch aunts from Double, Double Toil and Trouble.
Since we're really big on creating nightmare fuel, we decided to ruin your childhood full
force by mashing up old Olsen Twins classics with their new faces.
This is what it would look like if the 31-year-old fashion moguls starred in their hokey, turn-of-the-millennium
movies today.
In your favorite The Parent Trap rip-off (or is it a Prince and the Pauper rip-off?) two
unrelated girls switch places in order to matchmake their father and social worker respectively.
Wacky highjinks ensue, usually at the expense of an evil would-be stepmother.
Evil would-be stepmothers were so big in the '90s.
Anyway, Mary-Kate played the rough-and-tumble orphan Amanda while Ashley played the poised,
prized pianist Alyssa.
That means that by the end of the film MK would be dressed all prim and proper and Ashley
would be looking like she was about to drop the most fire mixtape of all time.
If you were having an Olsen Twins "You're Invited!" marathon then there's no doubt you'd
rewind through about 14 trailers of Billboard Dad.
One of the girls' most memorable direct-to-video releases, it follows sisters Tess and Emily
as they try to set up their widower father with a new wife.
But instead of creating a fake OkCupid account they use—wait for it— a billboard!
CRAZY TOWN.
It's debatable if the ladies would get into hijinks like that today, but in any case,
here's how they would look with Sailor Moon hair
We were less emotionally invested in Switching Goals because we don't give a s--t about sports,
but like, whatever, it has all the usual Olsen tropes.
Mary-Kate is the tomboy again, Ashley is girly-girl, both don't get picked for their ideal soccer
team.
So they SWITCH GOALS (omg) and play on each other's teams.
Lessons are learned!
Cute boys are crushed on!
But it's no Passport to Paris, we'll tell you that.
Still, we would kill a man to see Mary-Kate and Ashley on the soccer field in gigantic
sunglasses, 20 layers, with two venti non-fat lattes in their hand.
This movie was all about the teensy Olsen tots trying to find a daddy.
It's very poignant because now that the full-grown, 31-year-old Mary-Kate is married to 48-year-old
Olivier Sarkozy, she has just that.
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