Auto news on Youtube May 4 2018

Who wouldn't like to live with less pain stress fear and anxiety? Wouldn't you?

You bet! We'd have to be pretty stupid to turn that down.

If we could just take a pill or a class or

read a book and everything would get better and

stay better, wouldn't it be great? We want to feel good, but we're not paid enough.

and there's the kids and the neighbors the traffic, we got to get some relief.

Our mate doesn't appreciate us, there's criticism and neglect, we're frustrated

so we find a substance a Marlboro, a secretary, a football team, chips and a six-pack.

sometimes we end up depressed diseased divorced.

You're always going to have a problem, if it's not your love life it's your job.

It's a soap opera out there...

forget about it. Someone's gonna mess with someone they shouldn't

all hell is gonna break loose... if we can manage our emotions, if we have

the tools to soothe ourselves in a healthy way, then we won't be reaching

outward for the tools of destruction, we can come up with solutions that will

result in a happier outcome. Yeah nice thought but it's so much faster to just

have a an affair and a pizza. The mall's right over there

I got plastic, I'm saying plastic I'm Suzan Stadner (My OLD name)

and I am a substance abuse counselor. I'm also a drug addict and an alcoholic

among other things, and I've been sober since December 1982. Today's topic is

why do some people kill themselves just trying to feel good?

Who wouldn't like to just take something and permanently transform

into confident, relaxed, happy...

skinny rich unfortunately it doesn't come in a bottle I know I looked

temporary happy, oh yes there are many bottles for that, big ones with liquid

little ones with pills but the unhappy that follows bites.

Alcohol is the third leading cause of death in humans but until it annihilates your family

it's just another statistic. When in denial we don't see what we don't want

to see if there's something awful and we don't think we can change it then

thinking about it would just be an exercise in frustration wouldn't it.

We like to do what we're good at like shopping and eating. I'm very good at

eating so why would I think about issues that I'm powerless over when I can eat.

right right right but how is it possible to totally deny the obvious a client

asked me how the Kevin Kline character in the movie "In and Out" could not have

known that he was gay. Works like this -- let's say you have a landmine buried in

the backyard you know the corner where it's buried so you make an agreement

with yourself not to go there oh you'll go all over the other parts of the yard

except there because you know there is bad there means pain other people may

want you to go there they think you should go there it's obvious to them

that you need to be going there but no you don't want things blowing up or

coming out not when you don't think that you can handle manage or contain the impact.

One day while rummaging through some built-in drawers in my closet I

spotted several brown oblong pellets I briefly looked at the objects of

undetermined origin thinking my goodness they look just like rat turds.

They looked like rat turds. What did I think they were offspring of the gym tights

but I dismissed the idea of rat droppings I mean what would rats be

doing in my drawers besides I was on a mission to find an article of clothing.

I didn't have time for rats in order to acknowledge that they were rat droppings.

I'd have to admit to having a rat problem didn't want a rat problem I had

a history of avoidance. When I was 21, living with Mark the arch-conservative,

I had to live by his rules -- one of which was no marijuana or marijuana smoking

friends in his house. So I was reduced to taking my bong out on the balcony only

on weekends and when he was drunk. Another rule: no

drinking till after 5:00 p.m. Well, one day it was about 4 p.m. and I was

waiting for Mark to come home. He was a motivational speaker and was coming back

from galvanizing a roomful of people. He was less positive at home and I was

looking nervously at the front door....

Did I have time to go over to the wet bar

pour myself a drink brushed my teeth and get into the kitchen so I could look

busy cooking before Mark opened the door? No, I concluded, I didn't have time to

pour a drink. I'd have to chug it from the bottle. Smart drinking was my method

of coping. Vodka made living with Mark possible. Often if we stop drinking we

have to start thinking. The thought of leaving him was even scarier than

staying. So, I crossed over to the bar I picked up the Smirnoff's, twisted off the

top, chugged it the warmth of the liquid going down would soon be accompanied by

a feeling that everything was gonna be ok, and it would be ok for several hours

till I would say the wrong thing and we'd end up punching each other.

Bruised and in despair, I would lock myself in the bathroom whimpering

wondering how I could kill him and get away with it I could kill him I just

couldn't leave him. So, gulping the vodka at the wet bar my I was anxiously on the

front door I had the thought - wow, if I ever play an alcoholic on stage, this

would be just how to do it because this is just like an alcoholic drinks just like.

You think yes I had a shot now and then you would too if you live with Mark.

Me have rats no I couldn't think about any of that I had pressing matters I had

to go watch jeopardy because I didn't already feel stupid enough I had to make

sure.

If I had slowed down to think to investigate my behavior I might have had

to change the behavior couldn't didn't know how so I benched and stayed in

abusive relationships for another ten years.

You can practice avoidance for years if you have little help from Seagram's.

Hollywood your dealer in Frito-Lay. I dealt with the rats in the drawer

only after the little fella started bringing home pool toys from neighbours

yards and of course when my behavior problem became too big to ignore I mean

big. I weighed 160 pounds only when Mark hit

me and loosened a tooth when my back was against the wall. would I finally asked

for help I got rid of the rats by using the magic words I need help.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of intelligence.

whether it's A.A. or a guy with a decal of a dead bug on the van, let them help

you now that it's behind me, I can laugh as a matter of fact I still refer to it

as the rat Torres and honey go to the rat or get me the ski socks by the way I

ran into Mark 10 years ago he gained 80 pounds joined John Burton was lobbying

for leaner gun laws I had a pang of compassion if only I had seen back then

that under the false bravado that Mark was just a frightened boy who felt

unloved. Sure he was unloved he was a jerk. It's difficult to be kind to jerks.

But by giving obnoxious people a bit of gentle concern loving attention by

listening by by saying things like I bet that hurt huh you're scared you're

worried you're disappointed by showing a little empathy they often become less

repulsive. I call it hugging the porcupine. You know most of the sadistic

themes who terrorize us are just big boys who didn't get what they really

needed as little boys. There's a saying in 12-step programs my worst day sober

is better than my best day drinking.

Hello and how would that be possible do you know the fun I had drinking, the sex, the

plane flights and sober, the worst feelings thought I would die, but before

sobriety that would be BS. I knew that I was trapped a prisoner of my addictions

unable to fulfill my potential. It's hard to live up to your potential on the

couch. Today I have power, but back then it wasn't always that way. I'll give you

an idea of what it used to be like -- before I got sober in 1982 I would get

up in the morning. Hey, 1150 is still technically morning, and if I had

finished the last of the Downers the night before I would have to get out of

bed without one. Oh please a day without Danner's was like a day without sunshine.

I usually stashed a couple of Quaaludes also known as Gorilla Biscuits in a sock

in the bottom drawer of the nightstand. Didn't you it would give me the energy

to get out of bed there's nothing like the first buzz of the day. However if the

night before I had snorted a gram of cocaine I would exhaust my stash cuz I

couldn't hoard on cocaine. Cocaine made me nervous not as nervous as running out

of cocaine and I would use the Downers to take that edge off. I was not blessed

with honorable drug dealers. They used to cut or dilute my cocaine to stretch

profits they would use baby laxative and set amines Ajax. My nose would burn and

I'd also wear down the carpet pacing I would notice the worn state of the

carpet because at 5:00 a.m. my vial of cocaine now being empty I was on all

fours hunting for the rock that might have dropped at midnight when I was less

careful. I'd be crawling by the coffee table while my date would be naked and

crawling by the window. So I'd fix myself a little snack and while eating of

course you need entertainment there'd be an old movie on TV. I'd roll another

joint you know just to help me back out of the garage without anxiety and there

was 6:00 p.m. another day gone. I never quite made it out the door

which was a blessing because as an agoraphobic addict I never killed anyone

while driving. Then when he, the guy I married in Vegas,

would come home and ask why I hadn't done the laundry, I'd say I was busy.

The joke in recovery goes how do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are

moving. People who are ashamed about their behavior rearrange the truth I'd

lie about how much I drank I would water down the liquor at home to make the

bottles appear less empty. One day he came home with a vodka that you keep in

the freezer. The following day he went to work.... I went to work on the vodka.

Oops! Drank too much oh he'll be mad now so I refilled the bottle with water

thinking how clever because vodka like water was clear who'd know the only

thing is that vodka doesn't freeze. Water does. To my horror, that evening, when the

bigamist pulled the frozen vodka bottle out of the freezer, he had a look on his

face. I'm not missing a beat said, 'How do you like that a defective bottle. I would

take that back to the liquor store it's not supposed to freeze you know.'

The man cheated on me, he lied, he didn't come home at night. Oy, what he did, but even

though I didn't like or respect him, I didn't want the bigamist to think badly

of me. Luckily he was stoned on pot and wasn't thinking very clearly, but one

night after I'd been falling down and slurring in public he threatened me.

He said, 'If you don't get sober I'm out of here.' Oh you can't go I don't have a job

also I had no friends left. Suicide Prevention used to hang up on me

once more he's got the clothes in the trunk of the car and I'm on my knees

begging him to stay promising to get into recovery I thought you know I'll go

to one meeting and I'll talk about it for two months.

But I like the meeting. I found my people. They were like me, nuts.

I also began therapy and I learned how to deal constructively with fear and

when I was six months sober I left him. 'But I don't look like an

alcoholic,' you say. You'd be surprised to learn who's a member of the club.

Yes I've changed little, but if you think of alcoholism and drug addiction as a

disease, then you can see that when you're sick you look feel and act

differently than when you're not sick anymore. I wasn't bad and now I'm good I

was sick and now I'm healthy or

everything changes eventually. The month before I got sober, I was diagnosed with

liver disease I was so tired I'd have to take a nap after getting up in the

morning but giving up drugs and alcohol hell you would have thought I was losing

my best friend. I was they were the best pals the gal could have. We went out

together, we went to class together, they were there every time I got dumped or

fired. I really missed chemicals I grieved but

it turned out to be a really great gift. I marvel at how today I can just leave

the house within an hour faster if there's an earthquake. I don't regret the

past. I have an empathy and an understanding of the profoundly sick

which I did not have before I got sick and my past helps me to appreciate today.

You know all any of us have is today and that's often more than we can handle.

In therapy, it became clear that my problem stem from childhood -- what a shock.

I saw how the demons from my past destroyed any chance of feeling good.

I got angry, I got sad and I got to understand how I couldn't have done any

better than I did. I realized that the reason that I couldn't leave the house

besides being attached to the sofa was terror. I mean what would you think of me

if you insulted me or rejected me? I just died. I had to learn how to respond to

disapproval in a non flattening way. It was hard. I didn't want

to give up the only way I knew how to live. I clung to my old behavior like

saran wrap to a piece of cheese. I was off drugs and booze, but I still had the

defense system -- the voices that would warn heads-up got incoming, here comes

the humiliation, rejection, validation of low self-worth, here comes the

confirmation that life sucks. Warning warning, go home, turn on the TV.

Stop first for food. Its killer out there. Killer I say. The opportunities for

despair and anxiety are out there. You leave the house you get snubbed, rejected,

abandoned, ridiculed, so you either stop leaving the house where you hate leaving

you may take a little something to leave. I didn't leave for two years. I was

haunted, oh what they did to me. Oh what I did to me. Our beliefs about ourselves in

the world may be based on a faulty premise created in early development.

It's not safe to reveal your feelings. Hide, lie, fight. The premise may be

archaic, but you're still operating from it, I would sing and write and date and

dance an audition and leap for joy, but I'm sober now,

and what if you think I'm weird? If you think I'm weird you won't hang out with

me or or promote me. Who will I live with what about money? In recovery, you face

your pain. Oh no oh no no no, anything but that. Pain is something most of us like

to avoid browse the Advil aisle of any pharmacy and that's only dealing with

physical pain. Psychic distress is a whole other aisle.

Can you imagine using the same computer or software that you use ten years ago?

You know people don't really change as much as they grow they can grow meaner

more bitter more fearful lonely or you can grow up a notch. You expand you learn

you risk. Oh no no no, I can't risk many of us resist change we long to get

control of our circumstance so that we can feel safe I started

trying different ways to live only after I discovered how to survive the attacks

and defeats. It's not that I was so afraid of what you might say I was

afraid that I would take your criticism or rejection or abandonment and run deep

into the end zone of despair. I'd be in the self-doubt hell, your coldness would

flatten me. Your refusal to love and accept me would affirm my primal premise

that the world is evil and fat stupid losers like me who sweat too much

shouldn't go outside. My formula for recovery is based on 15 years of

experience of regularly falling on my ass and then getting up again you know

like a baby trying to walk. I didn't become a therapist, an aerobics

instructor, a writer and a workshop leader by sitting around scratching and wishing

that things would get better. I had to learn how to trust myself and to like

who I was. It's not easy to do everyday but I'm

able to get out of the house today because I now trust that I will survive

any horrible thing you may say or do to me. Just don't test me okay? When I got

sober, I gained 15 pounds. You know you stopped cocaine you start

eating and once I start well you better hold on to your matzo balls. So, I joined

a gym there were two aerobics instructors that I liked, and after one

class I totally inspired went up to the instructor enthusiastically told her

that my background was in dance and that I'd love to teach class. She looked at me

and said, 'Well you're gonna have to lose at least 20 pounds.' So, I went home and

ate a cake and a can of Pringles I did the best I could at the time the next

day I told the other instructor what had happened. She said, 'You put together a

music tape, choreograph a routine and audition for me.' I auditioned despite the

fact that I was too fat to be an instructor.

I got the job. I taught aerobics for 14 years, and last week I was at the Sports

Club, a woman passed by. I'm on the PEC builder

it's a machine you do like this on and I think I know that woman, but something is

wrong with this picture then it hits me -- it's the instructor who had hurt my

feelings only she'd put on at least 20 pounds she was on her way to teach class.

I guess she'd been mistaken you can be hefty and teach class. After all I got

off the machine and I went to take her class. Did I say anything to her? No need.

She did the best she could at the time and I'm a size five now it pretty much

spoke for me. Okay. Was that too mean? Was that too awful? I'm gonna get phone calls

bitch who do you think you are you should be a three and you know I'll

believe them. Oh my god I did look fat on that show I was bloated. Look, 15 years is

a long time to go without a screwdriver. The desire to get loaded surfaces as I

struggle with the psychological octopus. The tentacles that penetrate my brain

causing fear and self-doubt, but I managed it today I know how to soothe

myself. I don't feel guilty about feeling bad anymore. I mean who says you have to

be happy all the time? I still have cravings. In an addict,

the brain forms pathways. Once a mind learns how to quickly go from pain to

pleasure, it can learn it and crave it forever. So, that's a good reason to avoid

experimenting with drugs. You might like it too much. Now don't put yourself out

there. Larry you know you just he's like speed her up can I get your

coffee dude no put your feet back up look at this no no I like you to relax

have a good time enjoy I think I may have a donut in the purse. (laughter)

So, I'll give you an example of the permanence of addiction, last month I had

the laser operation to correct vision. Got tired of those glasses so I went to

see Dr. James Sauls. He's at Cedars, checked him out he's the best, the best.

He's done hundreds of procedures. He's in a book called "Beyond Glasses." He's so

kind doesn't make me wait he never made me feel rushed. Yes, he's a real doctor

and he gave me valium for the operation the procedure itself did not hurt. They

use numbing drops but the valium would relax me. Yes, it did.

yah-ha so I'm lying on the table Dr. Sauls is talking in my ear in a

soothing voice, 'just keep your eye on the red light' and I come on to the valium

and that red laser light becomes the aurora borealis. Hello so show you pay

for it IMAX. I am feeling no pain. I'm wanting them to turn on the stereo, give

me ear phones and In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida baby, I'm having acid flashbacks. I wanted to

get up and make phone calls, didn't want to waste the high. I was gonna call a TV

exec didn't understand why I should have a national show. On valium I was

going to explain it to him. I'm tripping. I'm feeling like a perfect child of the

universe with our right to be here, and that's when I realized I needed more. I

said to Dr. Sauls, I need more valium doc he says, 'You're doing okay it's

almost over.' I mean the operation takes 18 seconds it's not likely the drug was

gonna wear off but I needed more, man. Give me my valium.

So after the operation, I come down and I'm experiencing withdrawal. Well please

but there was no more. Luckily the depression was replaced by

the high that came from seeing. I exercise better without contacts, I swim,

I see the numbers on the clock in the middle of the night. My get-ready

time is shorter. My eyes don't sting every night. I don't fall asleep with my

glasses on. I'm saving a fortune on solution and designer lenses. I love

saving money -- that's a high. It's a miracle. It's like magic. You know, you can

still get high when sober. For me, it happens in aerobics and after surgery.

What a world. You know, if I hadn't given up getting loaded, I'd have missed

computers and lasers and friendships and dancing and my mother. Well, actuall,y I

guess my mother would have missed me. We live in the most incredible time. Look at

the advances being made in the world of technology. Our psychological status must

leap as well or at least move up a little.

Yup, who will have growing pains, but we must evolve or suffer and while growing

we must be kind to those on the rung below us. No one is spared; the successful

ones the skinny and rich they may look like they got it all together but mostly

they just look like they got it all together.

I know because they come to me for therapy. They are fighting that octopus

too, so, be brave. Be yourself. Being yourself could be a good thing thanks

for watching. See you on the campus.